I was so sleepy when I came home last Thursday night. Too tired to even eat, I decided I would lie down on the couch just a few minutes to watch the evening news. I must have gone to sleep, because I don’t remember much after, “This is the NBC Evening News with Brian Williams.....

But I still absorbed a bit of news during my nap:

“A high school principal prospect is sitting in the superintendent’s office for a job interview.

“You have excellent academics, Joe. Let’s see, a B.S., M.S., Ed.S. and you’re working on your doctorate. Great.

“Football coach, track coach, assistant principal, senior class sponsor, academic coach. That’s really good to see.

“I see you’re active in your church, a member of the Rotary Club, work weekends on Habitat homes, volunteer at the animal shelter. We like people who are involved in their communities.

“Only one thing wrong here. Your scores aren’t what they should be.”

“What do you mean? My school has been near the top in the county in CRCT, ACT, GRE and EOC.”

“I know. I’m not talking about those. I’m looking at your NRAs. I’m afraid you’re just not a good enough shooter for this job. You know since the Georgia legislature passed that bill which requires school administrators to carry guns, your shooting range scores are important. Your rifle marks look O.K. but your pistol score is just not what it should be. Get a little more practice and apply again next year.”

Groan. “This couch is lumpy...”

U.S. Anti-Doping Agency Head claimed today that Lance Armstrong is still lying about his past..... zzzzz

“The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency voted today to strip 1930s New York Yankee slugger Babe Ruth of his Major League titles of most career home runs and most runs batted in. An agency spokesman said the group based its action on the fact that some people told a New York Times reporter that the Babe was seen drinking a beer before going on the field in 1932 to hit his famous “called shot” into the center field bleachers.

“The agency is also reported to be looking at the career of famous slugger Lou Gehrig, who they believe was taking anti-inflammatory drugs when he made his famous July 4, 1939, farewell speech in Yankee Stadium.”

Ohh. I’m going to have to buy a new couch...” A medical study showed today that people who snore are more likely to die.......zzzzzzzz

“Mayo Clinic doctors said today that people who snore loudly are more likely to die in their sleep than people who don’t snore....And in Boston, police have arrested a distraught wife who told officers she smothered her husband as he slept because she just couldn’t take that darn snoring any longer. She goes on trial next month for first degree murder, and her attorney said he hopes to seat a jury composed entirely of women with snoring husbands. He’s seeking a verdict of justified homicide.”

“And in the local weather, two flakes of snow were reportedly seen in Elijay today. We have a reporter on the scene....”

Oooh. Is the news over already? I must have been dreaming.

Wonder if the Anti-Doping Agency will disqualify me from column competition for writing this article under the influence of Nasal Strips?

Jones is a Carrollton resident and reporter for the Times-Georgian.